Last week, after quite a long, emotional and difficult month, I finished therapy.
Like, I actually finished it.
Complete. Finito. Donesies.
How am I feeling about this? Excited. Exhausted. Apprehensive. Overjoyed (there were lots of happy tears). General disbelief. It’s such a huge milestone that I never really thought would come around. So much has changed in the past eight months and I can hardly comprehend just how much I’ve managed to achieve. Everything is so much clearer now than it has been for a very long time.
My feelings by Emily and Will, in Potsdam.
The apprehension is natural, of course, because regular therapy sessions have become such a source of support for me over the past five months. But I wasn’t as afraid as I thought I would be. The over-arching feeling of all of this was (and still is) joy. Utter happiness that I could actually come this far and therefore, could go even further if I keep on pushing forwards. That’s a crazy feeling for a girl who lost all sight of her future.
I now see myself having a future. That’s the biggy. It feels so weird for me to type or say out loud. It’s a luxury feeling that most people take for granted and one that depression destroyed in me. But now it’s right there, open and free and accessible and it’s mine for the taking.
I’m not saying that CBT is like some magical fairy dust that you can sprinkle over your life and just make everything sparkly again. It won’t always work for everyone. And I’m not saying everything in my life is 100% amazing, because duh I’m human. I still have things to work on and I probably always will, but my end goal wasn’t to have the perfect life. It was to be happy. And I’ve achieved that by challenging myself again and again, pushing through the make-believe limits that I’d set for myself and accomplishing so much more than I ever thought I could. After years of living with this illness, I’m finally coming out of the other side and it’s wonderful.
That’s not all that’s been going on. My two planned trips to Marrakech and Berlin came around as well. Both brought up lots of emotions, each in a different way, which I’ll try and write about separately (no promises though!) I’ve also made some very exciting life decisions which I’ll hold back from sharing until they’re finalised, but for the time being, know that I’m super excited for the coming year. It’s time for some positive change.