As I’ve mentioned in a couple of my previous posts, this year I decided to take some time out of university to get better. I’ve now been home for just over six months and I’m seriously missing my friends, education and London life. So although I’m not quite well enough to commit to moving back full-time, I’ve decided to have a bash at going back three days a week to attend the odd lecture and do evening courses at the language centre.
I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified. I’m really, really afraid that I’m making the wrong decision and it’s all going to go tits up. I’m worried that my Spanish is a mess and that my German speaking is pretty much non-existent and that I’ll be in lectures having absolutely not a clue what’s going on. I’m scared that I won’t slot back in with my friends because I’ve been away for so long. I don’t want to answer questions about where I’ve been or what happened to me. What if I look stupid? What if it’s too overwhelming? What if I get worse again?
This is the most scared I’ve been in a long time. I’m struggling with that real, genuine fear, the one that you can feel in your skin and makes you want to throw up. Going back to class may sound so simple, but there’s a lot of emotions buzzing around my head at the moment.
Luckily, I have some really awesome friends and family members around me who are an enduring source of encouragement and love. I honestly don’t know how I’d be getting through this (or the entirety of 2015, to be honest) without them. I’m someone who used to struggle to reach out for fear of being a burden or causing other people more problems, but I’ve learned that closing yourself off is the most counter-productive thing that you can do.
People need other people to get by. We need love and support and guidance with all sorts of things, and reaching out doesn’t make you weak. In fact, accepting that you need help is a pretty brave and strong thing to do. It took me a very long time to start believing that.
So thanks to all the beautiful humans who’ve been there for me so far and continue to be. You’ve no idea how much strength you’ve given me. Knowing that I’m not going to be alone is getting we through these next few days.
The above image comes from To Write Love On Her Arms. I highly recommend checking out their website.